a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
