rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
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thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
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i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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