She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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