how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
