3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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