you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
