can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
