it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
