This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
