saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
