I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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