I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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