I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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