Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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