So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
