i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I need water and some morals
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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