Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
