Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
