plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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