Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
