Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
