Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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