Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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