Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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