I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
