My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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