If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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