I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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