So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
