My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
