I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
