I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
