I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
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Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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