i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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