Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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