You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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