I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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