my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
