I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
