Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
