she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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