i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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