im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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