checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
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Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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