made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
