The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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