If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
