Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
