How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
