Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
