everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
