fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
