did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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