dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
