State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
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At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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