im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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