i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
